Here it is Finally. The more detailed explanation of my life.

I am gonna try to explain in more detail about all this complicated life of mine. 
So I have never posted about the major issues with me and Thomas. Which is what lead to me leaving. I did this because well rankly for a while I was ashamed but also because Thomas is not a horrible person. He has a lot of really amazing and good qualities about him. Those are the reasons I fell for him and chose to be with him and marry him twice. I am hoping that me opening up here will not cause a bunch of stuff. I am doing this to help but also so ya'll can understand. But please do I honestly do not want anyone disliking him or thinking less of him. Thomas and I did not split because we do not love each other. Our relationship was just way to Toxic. This is because of abuse. And please note and keep in mind. I am not perfect. AT ALL. I am very depressive and moody. I am crazy and bitchy. Yes I left because of Thomas' abuse. I did not at all leave because he was injured. I went back to help him and we tried to work through it but with the fighting and the abuse I could not so I just walked away. This I know crushed him and I hated doing this but I couldn't. It was affecting our son and that is not okay. Honestly if we would not have had a child I think I would of stayed longer with him and tried more therapy with him for us to work. Because what finally pushed me to leave was that it was affecting my child. So I wanted to remove him from anything negative. I did not want him seeing it or growing up thinking it was okay. Thomas hates himself deeply for all that has happened. I am not going into detail atleast right now bout the abuse. He never wanted to hurt me and yes when fighting we had it both ways because I would fight back sometimes. So for us Love just was not enough. 
I moved and went to Colorado. I have ALWAYS wanted to live there. Plus a few friends that I grew up with live there as well so I knew a few people already. That helped. But after a month and a half I had some stuff come up with my health and a friend I decided to come home to Florida. 
Now I had my best friend of 8 years, his name is Brent Riemer. He liked me in high school. Actually I still have the note from when he asked me out. But at the time I had just broke up with my boyfriend/fiance Nick. Who was also friends with Brent so that would cause so many issues so that did not happen. Over the years we stayed friends. Best Friends. We always we so closer and stayed pretty close. Always there for each other. We talked bout trying. Well he told me to trust him. That he was different. He meant it all that he was and had said to me. After my marriage being over I was defiantly over any relationship. I was totally ANTI - Relationship. Well come to found out.. months later. He was playing me, lieing to me. He was still trying to get back with his ex Jessica. And he was also talking n started dating a girl names Ashley. Ashley messaged me about trying to fix the issues me and Brent were having. So I asked her if she knew what they were. She said no jsut that we were best friend and he was upset bc of something with him and myself. Well she then found things out and I confirmed. Actually Ashley and I are great friends now, best friends. And we have a ton in common and we are pretty much Twins. People say we look alike. We were work together now too and we are alive in personality and emotionally and most of the same things we like too. Brent and I were trying to remain friends. He went off and married his ex Jessica out of the blue. There are more details to the Brent and I situation but it would be so confusing. So not really going into it. He his still in Colorado with her. We are no longer friends. This is his doing. It still hurts because loosing my best friend of 8 years. I never thought he would walk out of my life. But he has. But I did tell myself him and friends that this would happen when he went back to Jessica. He did this when they were together before. He pretty much is screw everyone but her. He drops fiends and whoever for her. So that is his choice. I just want him to be happy. So hopefully he is. Just sucks loosing him as my friend. We have been through so much and managed to stay friends.. but not anymore I guess. Funny thing is when the Ashley stuff came up he begged me over and over to forgive him and let him back in and to trust him and he was so sorry and did not wanna loose me. But I guess due to his actions now that was also a lie.  
I do not trust really anyone now. It is hard for me to trust anyone or open up to anyone after being hurt by Thomas and Brent like I have. I just don't want to hurt like that ever again. 
Xavier and I live in Florida. My dad lost his job unexspectedly. So Xavier and I moved in with my parents and help them with bills and what not as we can. My mom went back to work as well. I got a wonderful job I love working as Regional Manager for Boost mobile. I work Fort Walton store but now the Niceville store opened up and it is my store to launch and get profitable and run. I LOVE IT! I work LONG hours and I hate it only because I am away from my son so much. But this is part of being a single mom and providing on my own for my son. So I do it because I love him not because I would rather be away from him. 
He is growing great and is in terrible twos already. We are bout to start potty training and all. So any tips on terrible twos or potty training let me know please. :))))  I cannot believe he will be 2 years old Feb. 1st! Where did the time go. He is a happy lil boy well unless you tell him No that is haha. 
Also In October I met a guy named Allen. He is unlike any person let alone guy I have ever met. He has a lil girl as well that is a a lil older than Xavier. He is great with Xavier. We never ever pushed Allen on Xavier. But Xavier goes to him to get Allen to play with him and all. Which is really sweet. About a month ago we made us Offical. Which scares the hell out of me every day. Because he treats me amazingly. With everything he does. he knows and has seen my depressive moodiness. Yet he helped me and even tho it frustrates him he stays around. He tells me he is not going anywhere. I am trying to trust him and not let my damage past keep me from being happy or moving on. But It is great to have a guy in my life that is showing me os much repsect and happiness and good to me and my son. 
Well that is about as much detail I can go in. If you have questions feel free to ask as always and I will answer. 
As for Thomas and I are we are not legally divorced yet. There are reasons for this tho. We are trying to do whatever we can to get alone for our son and remain friends still. Fingers crossed that happens.  
:)

A peek on a update..

Hola My Beauties :)

Okay so I have been gone because things have been crazy and hell so I was not ready to share it even tho I needed to for the outlet.. ya know. So I am gonna explain the FAST SHORT version and then I will slowing come on and explain so you can understand more.. sound good???

Well As ya'll know my husband Thomas and I called it quits for sure in January of this year. He deployed and I went to Florida, aka my home, with my son. In May he was blown up in Afganistan so my son and I went back to Washington. To help him recover and heal. We also decided that we wanted to try again. However that did not turn out like either of us wanted to. I have not posted on here as to the reason why we decided to end it. I will soon but this is the short version. Well after things went down hill yet agan I told Thomas I was done. This was in July. I just could not keep trying. I was too scared. (again some of ya'll know why and understand the rest will understand when I explain more in details this week so try to hold of on the whole I am a bitch thing.) I moved to Colorado the end of August. My son stayed with Thomas at this time. So I could get a place and a job and get stable. This also gave them some father and son time since Thomas was deployed and all. This was the harded thing I have EVER done leaving my son. Now I cannot really go into a lot of detail right now without confusing the heck out of ya'll. Well Come the nend of September I went and got my son from his dad. And then I moved home to Florida which is where I am now.

To be Continued with more details....

Long TIme No Talk Everyone....

So let me say I really miss writing but things have been hell and crazy and I was not sure how to even go about explaining everything that has been going on. My life is TOTALLY different and it is all well just insane. With everything has been going on I keep getting told that I need to write a book. HAHA well that is not gonna happen so this blog is my book and I need to make a new one and start fresh and then fill everyone one in on what has happened because I am sure none of yall unless you know me in real life and are close to me could even begin to guess what all has happened. Even when I was updating before I was not sharing everything so I am gonna start because I need to and want to so I can start healing and moving on in my life or myself and of course most of all my son. So Are ya'll still here? And are you ready for my crazy roller coaster that has been this year 2012 so far if so tell me bc I am bout to bust this can wide open. HAHA!
Yes I just went there and said that.

How come my feelings are inadequete????

Is it really to much to ask that my feelings be taken into consideration. I know that everyone else has their problems & issues. And I try very hard to be there and take them in and help them if I can or just to listen to them so they feel better. So why is it that i cannot get the same in return. I mean EVERY time I say something is bothering me or whatever I get well try having this or this. Yes I am VERY blessed with my life. I am also VERY grateful for what I have as well. I know that things could be worse for me. But does that really mean that my problems or feelings are inadequate now?????
Like do they really mean less because of what you are specifically going through and dealing with??
I hate feeling this way. I really wanna just run away. All of this BS I am going through is LITERALLY sucking the life out of me and I have to FIGHT HARD EVERY SINGLE DAY to stay positive and be happy.
This is not how things are supposed to be or how I even want to be.

I really feel quite alone and that I do not have anyone to talk to and lean on. So much is crumbling around me and I am trying to be strong and positive for myself and the ones close to me. But that is so very hard when I cannot be honest with my family or friends.

I have changed a LOT since I was in school. I am not that person. So I am tired of being judged for who I was then. People really should remember that NO ONE is perfect. and that people do change. No one should be judged because  we do not know everything that someone is going through...
This is why when I am out and someone is mean to be I have to "Kill them with kindness." I mean think bout it what good does it do to be rude and mean to them back? You have no idea what they are going through. We all have trials we are dealing with. Sometimes we need someone to be kind to us.

I am not perfect so I do not always do this by any means. But I do try hard to follow this because I believe that is how we should treat others. But yet.... it is so hard to not be treated this way and to feel like what I feel or want is worthless.

Pictures :)

New hair, Xavier n Thomas, me the other night I loo thin. I knew I lost weight I am finally starting to see it in pictures :)

Happy Fun Crazy Life! But It is my life!

Good Afternoon!

I love my crazy hectic life! I love schedules and I guess that I kinda have one. But even tho it is crazy, and exhausting, I am excited about so much! I am finally on the road to get back to school. I have yet again changed my mind about my career. I am now gonna work on becoming a psychologist. :) I am STOKED about it. I am so glad to be back in our church here. Bethany is a amazing church, with so many awesome people. I have missed them very much! :) It feels great to be back. 

Xavier is growing so fast! I LOVE that he is finally giving real hugs and talking so much. As well as he is giving kisses... with pucker and all. When he randomly comes up and gives me a hug or a kiss I LOVE it. It MELTS my heart every time. 

Thomas finally got a knee scooter. He is getting around easier. Which is really good. He can't wait til the 18th to get his ex-fix off. His family is supposed to be visiting sometime soon. Just not sure about the dates soon.

Also I am excited to be going and visiting a friend next month. 

I also have started my crafting again. It is not as much as I want with everything else going on but it is a start which is better than before which was nothing at all. It is even me learning new crafts. 

Also I have been cooking and baking more and trying new recipes. I LOVE it! I have a passion for those things so it is great to be back into them. 

I also have been working out and I feel so good and feel amazing! I am sore but I do not mind it. I like feeling sore. I am finally starting to see a difference. I am seeing definition slowly but surely coming back in my tummy.. if only I could get this baby pooch to tighten up. I am trying to avoid surgery for it but if I get my abs back and still have it I will get a tummy tuck. But luckily I just need a mini tuck. Which the only thing that scares me about that is the scar. Some of them I have seen are not so good and I don't want a bad one. 

Now if only my thighs will start to tone more and get the cellulite gone. That is my biggest thing. I wanna wear shorts and skirts but i hate my  thighs. But I know I just gotta stick with it because I can see the definition coming back in them. It is just slow. 

Well that is all I wanna share for now. Thanks! 

:)

 

Sunshining Day

Good Afternoon To All You Lovely Followers!

I do hope that this day finds you all very well. I apologize for my absence.. we got internet and for a while it was giving us issues. I do hope that they are finally fixed. As I think I mentioned before Thomas' mom came to visit. It was a good visit. She left earlier this week so I have been playing catch up and trying to find a routine. As well as finish getting the house together. Later this month.. around the 19th Thomas Dad, Step Mom, and 3 sisters will be coming to visit. They are getting ready to move to Hawaii for a year or so, and not sure when if or when we can make it over there so It will be nice to have the visit with them.

I also am back to looking for work. I am excited to get back to work. It will be a good break from the house and to help out. As well as my independence. I am sure some of y'all know how that it is. 

Oh I am officially ADDICTED to pinterest. l0l. Truthfully, how many of y'all are too?? 

I have done a few things off of there. I have made a visual aid for my weight loss journey. I have also made some jewelery from wire. I have started some new dishcloth patterns. i am also making a time out chair for my son. I am making other jewelery as well. I have made a few recipes and 2 of them have been AWESOME! However, one that I was excited bout did not turn out great and I tried it twice and I do not like it.  Oh and I tried some beauty tips. Like half a lemon and 3 to 4 drops of honey rub on your back and let it set for 5 min. Then wash it off with cool water. It totally worked to remove the blackheads. YAY! l0l. Have you tried anything from there? If so, what was it and what did you think of it??

We also took our son to the park on most.. like other than the neighborhood park and it has a water park on it as well and he LOVES water. So of course he plated in the water and loved it. It was great! Thomas took pictures since he couldn't play in the water with his cast. I will post those pics soon. 

Thomas is doing good. The 18ths he gets the external metal removed from his foot. He is counting down to that. YAY! Not sure about what they will do after that. He is getting around much better. Meds are working.. I do have to watch him because July 4th we were in the ER from him stopping them and he had complications. So I need to make sure he keeps them up. 

Oh so a favorite memory as well as activity to do in Cardboard sledding. For those of y'all who do not know what that is. In Florida we do not get snow.. well we do but RARE and hardly anything, if it even sticks. Well to get to go sledding we take cardboard boxes or whatever you want l0l and go sledding down the hills. 

At our new home we have a huge hill in the back yard so that meant cardboard sledding with my lil boy. He liked it. He was unsure at first but then he liked it. And again let I will post pictures soon. 

Now Tell me how your doing???